The 5 Stages of a Dying Relationship
There’s not a man alive, with the possible exception of Brad Pitt, who hasn’t been dumped by a woman for one reason or another. True, it might have been because the man was caught balls-deep in her sister, but she still did the dumping, so it counts. It wouldn’t be a shock in this case, but sometimes the dumpee is clueless until he comes home to an empty closet. On the plus side, this means there’s no one to stop you ordering gadgets aplenty from Mantality. The downside is that the sudden lack of female company will lead to one of those gadgets being a Fleshlight. Whilst this toy undoubtedly feels great, and you’ll probably wonder how you did without it, unfortunately it won’t laugh at your jokes or make dinner.
All this can be avoided, or at least prepared for, if you can recognise the signs. Using the standard psychological steps associated with terminal illness, we’re going to show you how to deal with each stage of a disaster-bound relationship.
DENIAL
The normal human reaction to bad news is to pretend it isn’t happening. She’s trying for a promotion after all, so it’s only natural that she has to work late every night, isn’t it? But weekends too? And does her handsome boss really need to be there? Exactly. Basically you should trust your gut – if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If her behaviour changes for no apparent reason, find out why. However, make sure the uneasy feeling in your gut isn’t just peri peri poisoning before you accuse her of bedding work colleagues.
ANGER
If it turns out your partner has been as faithful as the average streetwalker, the humiliation often manifests itself as aggression. The words “How dare she?” repeat in your head, alongside fantasies involving garden tools and a shallow grave. Before firing up the wood chipper, why not take a step back and look at it from her point of view? If she has felt the need to look elsewhere, the chances are you haven’t been the nicest person to live with. For some inexplicable reason, women don’t appreciate lovers who spend their life on the couch, watching porn and playing Xbox all day.
BARGAINING
For some men, the betrayal is such that they can never forgive, let alone forget. For others, the aforementioned Fleshlight scenario scares them witless and they are prepared to offer anything in order to keep hold of their lady. It’s imperative to remember during negotiations that she is the wrongdoer here. Otherwise, you may find yourself agreeing to ridiculous terms, such as never going out with your buddies again, or even promising to put the toilet seat down.
DEPRESSION
Should all attempts at reconciliation fail, the chances are you’ll spend some time moping around. Without a female influence to, let’s just say it, nag, nothing will be washed or cleaned for days. Local liquor stores and takeaways will be able to retire off your increased consumption, and you will be wanking so much your balls are gasping for air. There’s not a lot of advice to give here as each man’s pain is unique. Suffice to say, don’t drink and eat too much, and use lubrication to prevent chafing of the old chap. This will mean you are fully fit and ready for the last stage…
ACCEPTANCE
One day, you will wake up realising she was just a bitch who shagged her boss, and you’re better off without her. This is why you should avoid at all costs becoming a fat alcoholic with blistered palms. Then it’s only a matter of getting some new clothes, cleaning up with some aptly-named Billy Jealousy products, and you’ll be ready to jump right back into the dating pool.
Or into a strip club, at least. There’s no use running before you can walk!
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